When I was little I liked to think about me being an “aggressive executive”, those who has success and wear the striped suit and has no time for nothing. I really thought that, some day, I would be that kind of woman.
I was believing this many years, many many. However, life was taking me along other paths, and I was suffering because I knew that the “aggressive super executive” goal was not in that path.
But on the other hand, other things were appearing and, yeah!, they were not so bad, although they were the opposite of my mental image of the “super executive.” What a mess.
When this idea appeared in my mind? When I started to think that being that I wiould be happy? No idea. Maybe Allie McBeal influenced a little, who knows. But I thought so. If I would be an aggresive executive, I would be happy. Yes sir!. That was my core believe.
And that is how I spent my life, without enjoying many things, because they didn’t fit to “my mental goal.” And I was convinced that “the aggressive executive” was happiness and nothing else.
We put in our minds many things that are not ours. The movies, the series, the books, the stories somebody tell us, the people we know … Everything influences us and it is inevitable stay “pure.” We are all contaminated.
And when you have children and you see yourself as one of the sources of that mental pollution to which all humans are exposed, you get scared. Literally.
I try no to think about it so much, but I know that my daughters already say phrases of mine, that they say they like things that I like too, and that they have certain “obsessive compulsive disorders” also very familiar. God save me!
Another person could be proud that their kids say things or behave just like their mother or father. I do not.
In my imaginary and ideal fantasy world, I hope that my daughters will quickly find their true identity and release it as fast as they can from social, family parasites, and even from parasites properly created by themselves. Yes, it is not easy, we have all been there. We all are there.
What I can do? Well, I think all I can do is try to be my best version knowing that, in the end, I will be tremendously imperfect in many things, and I will have to constantly forgive myself. I will have to try to learn from mistakes and move on.
And I can’t absolutely control everything they do, what they see, what they read, who they go with … Life is something they have to experience and face for themselves, and my role is to help them understand, to to choose, to be responsible … But I cannot avoid that during that life experience they absorb questionable behavioral models, which could come from their own parents.
And perhaps they are already making the mental image of what happiness is. They may already be thinking that this type of people “is cool” and this type of people “is not cool.” And maybe they have taken it from my phrases, from my gestures, from movies they watch. And what am I going to do with that? Well, I don’t know.
There is a phrase that I say a lot to my partner, their father: “Whatever we do, nothing frees us that at some point in their life they are going to believe that we are to blame for their suffering.”
Oh! How I remember my parents now! As my mother-in-law says, her grandchildren have revenged them.
The other day, in my way home from the market, I was reflected in a shop window. Rain jacket, wool hat, big wool scarf, second hand long skirt -probably belonged to a petite old woman-, black tights, ankle boots and mittens. An aggressive executive going to shop vegetables. Yeah! Yes, I think in the end I am more Felicity than Allie …